how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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