it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
