I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
