I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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