don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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