the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
