Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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