matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
