so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
