so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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