Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
