even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Randomize
