He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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