I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
