I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
