idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
