Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
my being single is dangerous.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
