where am i from again
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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