and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
