I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
