2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Just fell off a train. Bad.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I think i got beer on your cat.
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