This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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