my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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