he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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