I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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