wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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