the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I accidentally burped into my bong.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
