6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
