dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
