i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
