I could make wine with my vomit
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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