Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
