someone threw a dead crab at me
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
