I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
