Cold hands, warm shart.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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