so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He? As in you personified your dick?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
