we're chasing vodka with high fives
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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