Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
