The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
They took my balls.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
