Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
