So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
