kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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