you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
