Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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