Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
