im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
