Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Randomize
