You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
