I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
she told me i tasted like america
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
