a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
we're chasing vodka with high fives
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
