The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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