I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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