My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
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