if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
don't judge my taste in strippers
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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