he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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