I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
