I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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