Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
