I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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