Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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