i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
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