you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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