So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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