i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
